An Open Letter to Angie
I hope that summer has treated you well and that the world of artisan treatmaking is thriving! I myself am finding that this fall is already rife with opportunities in both seasonal and artisan treat-eating, and of course for the latter I largely have you to thank. Now that winter is fast approaching I’m sure that you have several icing-drenched Holidrizzlepopcorns all queued up to torment me and my willpower. And gosh Angie, you know I love you for it. But until then I’m afraid I have a bone to pick with you.
Now Angie, like I said, you know I love you. You know I love your kettle corn, and I also from time to time even eat your plain popcorn and I don’t even like plain popcorn. And yourmagical iced popcorn is nothing if not delicious. But lately, Angie, I gotta say. You have become a bit shifty. You are no longer keeping it real, and more recently also I think you may have lost your mind. I am here to intervene, as a friend, before it is too late.
I think we both know where this all started: Boom Chicka Puff. Cute name, like Boom Chicka Pop! But you are making cheesey puffs now, so of course you’ve gotta pounce on that cute little substitution. Angie being Angie. So clever. But these aren’t just cheesey puffs, they are ANCIENT GRAIN cheesey puffs. What you only put corn in your cheesey puffs? Pshaw! For peasants! We shall have quinoa and sorghum in our artisan cheese puffs, or artisan cheese puffs they shall not be.
And you didn’t just stop at Boom Chicka (Cheesey) Puffs, you broke the mold and opened our eyes to a whole new world of puffs. Boom Chicka Barbecue Puffs. Boom Chicka “sweet and salty” puffs (btw Angie you aren’t fooling anyone my wife figured out like immediately that this is just Waffle Crisp cereal in cheesey puff form). We feasted on ancient grains and laughed in the face of gluten and lived in blissful denial of our Cartman-esque existence and it was good.
And then, today, I step into Target, and discover a new monstrosity on the shelf. Boom Chicka Bites by Boomchickapop Ancient Grain Popcorn Clusters. Angie, girlfriend, you are like a snake eating its own tail. Angie, you ARE NOW GLUING GLUTEN-FREE ANCIENT GRAINS TO YOUR GLUTEN-FREE POPCORN WITH GLUTEN-FREE DRIED CANE SUGAR SYRUP. Get ahold of yourself, woman. The day you slapped the Ancient Grain logo on your motherfucking sugar-coated flavored popcorn is the day I lost all respect for you. I am urging you to see the light. I am urging you to slowly back away from the puffed amaranth, set down the vat of tapioca syrup, take a deep breath, and look at what you have created. I am about to smack you in the face with a cold hard dose of reality.
Let’s call a spade a motherfucking spade.
ANGIE, THIS IS CALLED PINA COLADA FLAVORED POPCORN:
Yes Angie, it contains nothing but ingredients I will love. I know Angie, it is cholesterol free, whole grain, and certified gluten-free. AND IT IS 100% COATED IN SUGAR.
ANGIE, LISTEN TO ME. ANGIE! PAY ATTENTION! THIS. IS. CALLED. CRACKER. JACK.
Yes Angie, I know. It IS, totally fantastical, yes. You are totally fantastical. You are the pride of North Mankato, Minnesota. I’m just asking you to dial back a bit on the ancient grain talk and admit it when you act like you are re-inventing a food item so old that it appears prominently in a song that is part of the public domain, and while you are at it maybe also stop pretending it is healthy.
It’s ok, Angie, it’s gonna be ok. They’re still delicious, and I’ll always be here for you.
The Curious Shopper
PS Please let me know where I can find the Mixed Berry Boom Chicka Bites and also the Salt and Vinegar popcorn.
PPS And the Sweet and Spicy popcorn.
PPPS And the Caramel Cheddar mix. Kthx.