Manhandled by nerds AGAIN, so time to rant. Let’s talk about trees.
No not those trees that haunt my nightmares.
Everyone is freaking out about the fact that Reese’s factory-produced mounds of chocolate-coated peanut butter/sugar paste are not sufficiently tree-like down to the hairline detail.
Here is what I have to say to these people:
For real. Take it from me, I am a connoisseur of all things seasonal Reese’s:
THE REESE’S TREES HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE TREES.
THE REESE’S HEARTS HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE HEARTS.
THE REESE’S PUMPKINS HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE PUMPKINS.
THE REESE’S EGGS BARELY EVEN RESEMBLE EGGS, AND EGGS ARE JUST A SIMPLE ELLIPSE WITH Y = e^(0.2X)
#1 Why is this such a big deal this year? Do we really have nothing else to worry about than the shape of Reese’s peanut butter trees? (Hint: we have much more to worry about than the shape of Reese’s peanut butter trees).
#2 Does literally everyone complaining not realize that the little cutouts they are pining for a) Increase the surface area and in as a result the chocolate-to-peanut-butter ratio, and increasing the chocolate-to-peanut-butter ratio in seasonal Reese’s is a bad thing, and b) aren’t actually present on a real life tree and actually are a figment of our 6-year-old crayon drawing imaginations much like smiling suns and stick people?
#3 And you know what else, haters, why don’t you all take a jar of peanut butter and some melted chocolate and try to fashion a tree to your illusory specifications, and then get back to us.
Oh gee wiz, your football team just got manhandled by nerds again and your hopes of a respectable season have been trampled up the middle by [insert QB here] playing against Justin Wilcox’s defense.
What are you gonna do? Are you gonna wallow on your couch drinking Fireball whiskey watching a Chris Rock hosting SNL rerun? No, that is what you did last season! This season you are going to man up and review some miscellaneous things that contain popcorn and/or sriracha while watching a Chris Rock hosting SNL rerun! And remember, it could be worse: this heartbreaking loss could have ended at 2am and there would be no SNL rerun to be had. Count your blessings, grab some popcorn, lets go:
Trader Joes Sriracha Ranch Dressing
If you are the kind of person who eats a salad and thinks “hey, what this needs is about a quarter cup of Sriracha doused on top” you are the only person who should buy this Sriracha salad dressing. Except you actually shouldn’t, because you probably already have Sriracha in your fridge and you should just go ahead and use that. And if you don’t you should just go to the store and buy some more sriracha because you like it and you should have it around and it probably has way less calories than this salad dressing anyways and also you are weird.
Sriracha Peanut Gelato
I found this, of course, at the amazing Marty’s. I had high hopes. I am not sure if this is at all related to the phenomenon where you drink milk to alleviate spice because the capsacin in your mouth is lipophilic (yeah take that, FurdNerds, I know science too) and is better washed away by milk fats than water, but this ice cream is not spicy at all until it hits basically the back of your throat/top of your esophagus. It made me cough, kind of like the weird olive oil I tasted in Madrid. Oh god this is the Prince episode of SNL. Anyways, it is a quite unpleasant sensation. So essentially, not anything that Prince would know anything about. Basically the opposite of a kiss on the neck (when she doesn’t expect it).
Trader Joes Pickle Popcorn
Full disclosure: I have called a LOT of hypothetical readers weird in the year that I’ve been writing this blog (fun fact: today is the one year anniversary of this blog!) Well here is (one of) my weird things: I love drinking juice out of pickle jars. Don’t worry, germaphobes, I don’t do it until the jar is empty. But yeah, if you like pickles, and particularly if you like drinking juice out of pickle jars, then this is the popcorn for you. A++ excellent transaction would do business again. Buy a bag every time I go to TJs. I’m sure they’ll discontinue it tomorrow.
Maple Bacon Popcorn
My mom sent me this. My mom is awesome. I couldn’t find it and chronicled my search for it and my mom sent me two bags in the mail last spring. I ate it all, forgot to review it, but then I found it again, here in Boston! Great. Now I can have maple bacon popcorn whenever I want! This popcorn walks a fine line of not living up to my expectations but also not disappointing me. It is like the Ed Orgeron of popcorns. For one thing, I think this popcorn is too smoky/bacony. It mapley enough, but there is not quite enough sweetness to bring out the maple properly. BUT, it can be fixed! If you mix it 1:1 with the kettle corn of your choosing, you have popcorn magic. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your popcorn, folks. YOLO.
Jesus Mary Joseph don’t eat this it is the single most unpleasant wasabi experience I have ever had in my life and I have possibly drunkedly snorted it on a dare in college.
Jesus Christ! Too spicy! This is terrible!
Now at this point you are probably thinking, ok, Lauren, it is just really clear at this point that you are like the Justin Wilcox of spicy food, you are just a wimp and can’t handle anything thrown at you that is probably why all the reviewers of @Chili Thai Bistro are mad at you for saying the food was too spicy on Yelp. But wait! There is one more!
Contains: Popcorn AND Sriracha
Holy crap this stuff is delicious! Salty! Spicy (mildly)! Buttery! The kernels are a LITTLE small:
but unlike Steve Sarkisian and Pat Haden, I forgive them. This stuff is great, but good luck finding it. I got it at Wegmans and it isn’t there anymore. Oh well. Maybe next season.