**plays âhair upâ from the trolls movie in the car** Alicia: madison this is a good song what is it Me: itâs from Trolls Alicia: are you kidding me I thought it was a Lady Gaga song
— âââââ˘ââ ââââ˘ââ (@MadisonBleska) April 12, 2018
If #1 on your party mix playlists isnât Trolls- Hair up weâre out âď¸đŹ
Me at a princess party this weekend when the mom put on "Hair Up" from the Trolls soundtrack and I had never heard it before. pic.twitter.com/VG14DsyZbk
Todayâs post lies at the intersection of this blogâs main two interests: Gilmore Girls and me tasting weird food. The two topics converge, of course, at Pop Tarts.
Now before I get into this I should start by mentioning that Pop Tarts and I have a fraught relationship. If there were some way to analyze what foodstuffs contributed most to my own body mass Iâm pretty sure it would come out to approximately 10% frosted brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts as they were a staple of my teenage and college diets. However, I am grown up now and know that I cannot buy Pop Tarts because they cost 8 WW points each (9 for the frosted brown sugar cinnamon!!). There are things that are good and there are things that are 8 Points Good and Pop Tarts are not 8 Points Good. Despite this universal truth, it is also guaranteed that if they are in the house, my wife and I WILL eat an entire box in about 20 minutes. In fact, in order to complete the tastings below I have figured out that I should leave the box of Pop Tarts in my car and bring them into the house ONE SLEEVE AT A TIME and dole them out ONE PER PERSON PER DAY and then it is OK. This is what I do for you guys. This is how dedicated I am to this blog that I havenât updated in months.
Now, you may be asking, why are you even TRYING to taste Pop Tarts if they are so problematic for you and I will answer that question: YOU DONâT KNOW THE HALF OF IT, I havenât even scratched the surface of my issues with Pop Tarts. Have you at any point in your childhood thought Pop Tarts would only be advertised as a suitable breakfast food if they were somehow fortified in some way with vitamins that would render them halfway healthy? Well I once did, and no they are not. And we all know that the sub-packaging out into two servings is just a savagely aggressive act of cold blooded nutritional sabotage. These things are little toaster monsters. Also, remember how bad Pop Tarts cereal was? But anyways, to briefly address your question, the other day on the old family Slack my sister asked me if I was still blogging about weird foods and suggested I try some strange new Pop Tart flavors such as Orange Crush:
and Jolly Rancher:
Oh, dear sister,
I politely informed her that yes, why sure, I would LOVE to try some weird Pop Tarts for my blog, if only I could find them. This actually started several years ago, back before I was even counting WW points when I could have eaten unlimited Pop Tarts without a care in the world, mind you. Back then they came out with Maple Bacon Pop Tarts:
and then like so many things I’ve wanted to review for this blog, I looked for them everywhere and could not find them anywhere.
This is not an isolated incident. Here is a smattering of all of the weird Pop Tarts I would have snatched up in a second if I had only been able to find them:
Some of these look absolutely foul but I do not care, they are at least interesting.
In contrast, here are the kinds of âspecialâ Pop Tarts I usually get to choose from:
Oh hey a blend of the three fruit Pop Tart flavors youâve been eating since you were a kid wonder what this will taste like, super wild I bet!
This is hard to put this into words but there is a hyper-specific Massachusetts Experience of looking for something special, and instead finding something Dunkin branded in its place. Itâs like a combination of disappointment and severe shame at having not anticipated something that was so inevitable. I felt it on the day that I peeked at the toaster pastry section and saw there was something new and they turned out to be these. There is a Dunkin Donuts on every corner we donât need to Dunkin-ize non-Dunkin things. These might be good but Iâm not trying them, ok? I give it about a 50% chance that these even taste like coffee b/c Dunkin coffee doesnât even fully taste like coffee (b/c Dunkin’s coffee blend is cut with black tea).
Anyways, because my dear sister asked, this week I headed over to the Pop Tart aisle for the first time in forever and found some flavors that looked mildly interesting that Iâve decided to try for this blog:
Splitz Frosted Strawberry/Drizzled Cheesecake
Ok first only a fool would look at this box and expect that it would in any way be a positive experience. That being said, we are still not off to a good start with this one. Lets just say that these ones can be safely kept in the house no issue. Not only does this thing just look so miserable (they shorted me a strawberry squiggle!)…
…it has the Bad Crust. For those who are not Pop Tart connoisseurs, Pop Tarts can have one of three crusts: the Good Crust (nice white somewhat resembling pastry), the Bad Crust (my understanding based on the situations where this crust is deployed is that it is attempting to resemble graham crackers) and the Chocolate Crust (not my fave, but I accept that I have nontraditional views on many chocolate baked items). Making matters worse, they donât explicitly tell you what kind of crust a given Pop Tart is going to have, and you have to go with a combination of the photo on the box and your well-honed toaster pastry instincts. TBH the pictures are not always helpful because different Pop Tarts may have the Good Crust cooked to varying levels of darkness. I just spent a while fully examining all the boxes of Pop Tarts in the supermarket, and the only clue I could find is that the ones I know to have Bad Crust appear to have molasses listed as an ingredient while others donât. This is what you need to watch out for, people. Molasses. Its what ruins Pop Tart crusts. Anyways, the Bad Crust is what renders the âSmores Pop Tart the worst Pop Tart ever created and I will fight you on that one, SPT stans. Anyways, back to this one, half of this is just the old standby frosted strawberry Pop Tart you know and love, except it has a Bad Crust so now you hate it. There is the thinnest almost indiscernable layer of a white filling on the other side, with no cheesecake flavor to be found.
Even if there was cheesecake flavor, each of the filling halves is far too sparse to even contemplate countering the overwhelmingly dry flavorless cardboard crust. This is a truly terrible Pop Tart, plunging several levels below ‘Smores in the Pop Tart Circles of Hell.
Strawberry milkshake
Whew, Good Crust. This one is ok, and such a stark contrast to the other one I just tried – the filling is surprisingly gooey and drippy – it’s actually leaking out of the Pop Tart.
It is almost is giving me pink childhood medicine vibes, but I think I’m overthinking it. It does taste pretty good.
Chocolate chip cookie dough
This oneâs ok. I donât really like the taste of chocolate in heavily preservative-d foods (another issue I have with the Smores), but this was only subtle chocolate on the glaze that didn’t taste THAT unpleasant.
The filling was very much like bona fide cookie dough which I have to honestly say I was not expecting. The crust was a heavily browned version of The Good Crust – made me nervous for a sec but everything’s fine.
Vanilla milkshake
I bought this one partly because I was curious if it would be as gooey as the strawberry milkshake and partly to DRIVE HOME THE POINT THAT ONE OF THE ONLY SPECIAL EDITION FLAVORS I GET TO CHOOSE FROM IS LITERALLY A METAPHOR THAT PEOPLE FREQUENTLY USE TO DESCRIBE HOW BASIC AND BORING SOMETHING IS. It was not as gooey, and it was very basic and boring.
In conclusion I think that’s enough Pop Tarts for now. None of these were as good as the Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon, but will keep looking and wondering what does a girl have to do to get a Maple Bacon flavored Pop Tart around here?
Note: Two of my diet staples that I thought were pretty healthy but still cost an unacceptable amount of SmartPoints are Kind bars and Craisins. I need something sweet on my salads, so Craisins have been replaced with beets! Here is a recipe that makes them extra tasty. I used to use oil in the dressing, but tried it without and didnât notice the difference.
Serves: 2
Ingredients
1 package of precooked beets, diced
1 small bunch (or half a large bunch) scallions, diced
1 oz (30 g) fat free feta cheese
Half a lemon
Instructions
Toss the beets, scallions, and feta cheese in the lemon juice, and season to taste with salt and pepper.
Weight Watchers SmartPoints breakdown: Zero points! If you use reduced fat feta, itâs a mere 1 point per serving. If you use full fat feta, itâs only 2 points per serving. Still pretty good, whatever feta you use!
My wife makes this recipe, and it’s always better when she makes it. I ask her the temperature and cook time every. single. time. I attempt to make it, so I’m recording it here for posterity.
Serves: 4-8, depending on filet size and portion size. We are big eaters and so we generally cut each filet into 8 oz portions.
2 to 3 lb skinless filet of salmon (get at Costco)
1 lemon
Salt and pepper.
Instructions
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
Line a baking sheet with foil. Grab a large second piece of foil (large enough to wrap the salmon), and lay the salmon filet on the center of it.
Cut the lemon in half and squeeze the juice of half of it over the salmon.
Season the salmon generously with salt and pepper.
Wrap up the salmon tightly in the foil, like a packet.
Cook in the oven for about 20-30 minutes. Start checking it after 20 minutes. Itâs done when the thickest part is cooked through and flakes nicely when you poke it with a fork.
Cut the second half of the lemon into wedges and serve with the fish.
Note: My mom made this recipe for our family over Christmas. As she listed out the ingredients I was THRILLED to learn that each one was zero points, but to be perfectly honest it didnât sound like it would be that good. Holy crap, I was wrong. We are completely addicted to this soup. To make this meal zero point, I skip the heavy cream from the original recipe. The recipe calls for a âfiletâ of salmon, which is about as ambiguous as you can get. It could be a small 0.75 lb filet youâd find in the grocery store, or it could be the mega 3 lb skinless filet you get at Costco. Obviously, I go with the latter, but I am also well aware that you might find this to be insane.
Ingredients
1 butternut squash, diced
2 carrots, diced
1 red onion, diced
1 bunch scallions, sliced
1 bunch dill
4-5 ears corn, cut off the cob
1 cup baby shitake mushrooms, washed and patted dry
1 2-3 lb filet of salmon
6 cups of water
Directions:
Get a giant pot.
Add the squash.
Add the carrots
Add the corn
Add the scallions & onions
Add the mushrooms and the dill
Pour the water over the top.
Bring to a boil and simmer over low heat for 30 minutes
While cooking, chop up the salmon into small pieces like so
After 30 minutes of simmering, add the salmon pieces to the soup. Simmer for an additional 20 minutes.
Season to taste with salt and pepper, and you are done!
Points breakdown: Nothing in this soup has points!
Hi! It is now February 4, 2018. I am now finally posting a post I wrote sometime inâŚMay of 2017? I apologize profusely below. Did I really mean it?Â
So, itâs only May and Iâve blown it already, failed in my promise to post once per month. I have let all 10 of my readers down and Iâm sorry. I will say that I started this post in April and then did not post it, which is possibly even worse. Sorry. Since itâs almost June, Iâm going to make this a mega post to cover April and May, reviewing every freaking thing I have eaten in the last two months. I hope you can forgive me and I will try to resume monthly posts from here (2018 me narrates: “She didn’t.”) but full disclosure, Iâm moving in June so donât hold your breath. I feel a lot of posts in the fall (2018 me narrates: “There were no posts in the fall.”)Â Just, be patient with me.
Last month (15 months ago) something momentous happened on this blog: I got not one but TWO comments from entities that were not Russian spambots and/or my Facebook friends/family. One of the comments was not a comment but a CHALLENGE, suggestingâŚ.no, quite literally DARING me to try Stop & Shopâs new Toasted Coconut Gouda.
I immediately freaked out. I was well aware that Stop & Shop was currently pushing Toasted Coconut items. It is part of this thing they do where they make special displays with âLimited-Time itemsâ featuring totally conventional and standard flavors. But, that said, I was NOT AWARE of COCONUT flavored CHEESE.
For perspective, I really should have known – Stop & Shop did this in fall with Pumpkin, and in December with Peppermint, which is how those wonderous goat cheeses came to be. In January, the flavor du jour was Chocolate. Yes, thatâs right, Stop & Shop took it upon themselves to say âLet us introduce you to this taste sensation known as Chocolate. Here are some themed items to introduce you to Chocolate, the Next Big Thing.â And the display had chocolate cookies and cake and whatnot. I will admit that I did get a bit curious and tried the chocolate soda; it tasted like drinking a Tootsie Roll, and was immediately poured down the sink.
I guess I wasnât really paying attention, because I was completely unaware that these flavor themes had spilled into cheese. NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THE CHEESE (except commenter Elaine L. Thank you, Elaine L. Sorry this took so long.) That apology was from 2017. Just checking in to apologize again from 2018.
I IMMEDIATELY went to my local Stop & Shop to hunt down this Toasted Coconut Gouda. This was a long and painful search, as this particular Stop&Shop amazingly has no less than four different areas where you can find cheese. There were Toasted Coconut items sprinkled throughout the store, taunting me. There were toasted coconut cookies in the meat section, toasted coconut cookie dough near the cream cheese, toasted coconut cereal abutting the frozen aisle, and toasted coconut cake mix opposite the seafood. I found toasted coconut-flavored water, and even toasted coconut flavored goat cheese, but there was no toasted coconut gouda.
The 2018 version of me is going to chime in here and say that around this time our rental housing situation got flipped turned upside down and we found ourselves somehow househunting with no preparation and no knowledge of how to do soâŚso, yeah, that was the end of the blogging for the rest of the year. But, I will say that this experience exposed us to a LOT of Stop & Shops. So many Stop & Shops. We stopped and shopped at every Stop & Shop we passed on each of our our Open House meccas, in search of this cheese. I am not lying when I say that we visited at least 10 different Stop & Shops in the Boston metro area looking for this cheese.
So first, here is a quick roll call of all the BS we found and tasted during the weeks we spent looking for this damned cheese:
Toasted coconut and mango goat cheese â well, of course this is good
Chocolate goat cheese â well, of course this is better than above
Pumpkin spice gouda: Huge surprise, this pumpkin spice gouda is FOUL and DISGUSTING, the first pumpkin spice product I have ever encountered with these qualities. Run far far away from this.
Ok, yeah, I know, I see the pattern and I made the connection. I am still looking for the chocolate gouda. No signs yet.
Cheetos Sweetos Caramel Something or Other â a Cheetos Sweetos item not labeled as âLimited Edition!â My prayers answered! Please everyone buy and eat lots and lots of these so they donât get discontinued. (2018 Me narrates: They have been discontinued).
Thomas Brothers Limited Edition Maple English Muffins – Oh boy, These are satanically good. (2018 Me narrates: they altered the odor profile of our entire home and it took us four months to wean off of them).
Trader Joeâs Honey Butter Potato Chips â Holy effing shit. Pause the coconut gouda post because these freaking potato chips are incredible. They probably deserve their own post but I am lazy, so here is a post within a post:
The Curious Shopper learned at a very early age what the best food in the world is. Do you know what the best food in the world is? I will tell you. The best food in the world is when you have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (raspberry jam, obv, because grape and strawberry are gross) and you cram as many sour cream and onion chips into it as you can and then you eat it like a boss. Because you are eight and you just created a pleasingly crunchy sweet and savory PB&J, and you are a BOSS and it can only get better from there. Not sure why all of these adorable little punks on Masterchef Junior havenât figured this out yet, because eight year old me would run circles around them with my sour-cream-and-onion-stuffed PB&J sandwiches, ok? Terrific. Outstanding. Delicious. Anyways, these chips are that sandwich. They transport you back to simpler times, potato chips that are sweet and salty and for some reason even have the little green flecks of the SC&O. Magnificent. I love these chips so much that Trader Joeâs will probably discontinue them tomorrow and send all remaining bags on the shelves to the TJâs graveyard with the champagne vinaigrette and the creamed kale. (2018 Me narrates: THEY ARE STILL THERE!!!!)
Honey Jalapeno Potato Chips â After the TJs chips I was SO EXCITED about these. Boy oh boy, I do nothing but set myself up for disappointment. There is absolutely no honey to be found here, they are your standard jalapeno potato chips, indistinguishable from Ms. Vicks. Buddah snacks, you are on my last effing nerve I tell you what. Shove these in a PB&J sandwich or something, I donât know. They arenât sweet.
Lays BLT Potato Chips: These are weird shapeshifters. Some taste like bacon. Some taste like mayonnaise. As someone who unabashedly loves both potato chips and mayonnaise, no one wants a potato chip that tastes like mayonnaise. No one. Itâs unnerving.
Lays Lime & Salt Potato Chips: I am a huge fan of the Limon chips you can for some reason only get in Mexico, so I was super excited about these. The day I tasted these my wife coincidentally brought home âMargaritaâ flavored cupcakes and TBH these chips were pretty funky and tasted more like the cupcakes than the limon chips, so they were kind of a bummer. My wife thought they were reminiscent of lime Trix.
On that note, I have a quick message for Lays: Letâs take a long hard look at what weâre doing here, Lays. Your new chips taste like lime Trix and mayonnaise. According to this blog post you are underperforming compared to coconut flavored cheese, Cheetos Sweetos, and whatever companyâs castoff potato chips Trader Joeâs bought to resell. Not a good look. You can very quickly redeem yourself by getting those limon chips statesite. Or at least live your truth and rename the lime/salt chips margarita.
But all of these items are a distraction from the foundation of this post: the coconut gouda cheese. I finally found it! It was at the end of a horrible day when everything was going wrong, I went to the gym and then trodded into the Stop & Shop next door for my daily depressing check for the coconut gouda and it was actually there! 2018 Me narrates: “2017 was a rough year for me in a lot of ways, and it was a great feeling. Literally one of my best days of 2017. The day I found the coconut cheese. Yeah.” And it has been sitting in my fridge since APRIL 2017 and I am only reviewing it now (2018 Me narrates, â’now’ would be May, 2017â):
So, I like it. I donât love it. I donât have a ton to say about it, so Iâm just going to state facts about it: (1) It oddly tastes really good paired with a meat (in this case I used turkey pepperoni). (2) It makes me want something coconut flavored that isnât cheese. (3) Itâs way better than the pumpkin gouda, which I never would have predicted. (4) It has a cute tropical rind. (5) Thatâs about it. I wouldnât put it on a cheese board. I would probably never buy it again. But I can say I have tried it.
OK back to 2018! The wife and I are on Weight Watchers now (oprahisrightitworks). I simply CANNOT eat all things indiscriminately now, but that is OK. This blog possibly back, but is about to take a turn. Simply put, I will continue to try some things, but I am also finding and/or inventing BOMB low point recipes, and what better vehicle to share them?!
Look, donât be sad, because it is probably for the best. Iâve tried it all, darlings. The chips are chips. The salty things taste pretty good combined with the sweet things, and vice versa. The cheesesâŚ. are mostly bad. Time for something new!
Ok hereâs the deal: If you really know me well, you probably know that one of the more annoying things about me (depending on your tolerance for stupid song parodies; mine, perhaps ironically, is quite low) is that I canât caption a photo like that and not complete the whole song.
As promised in the last post, this post is going to basically be 100% off topic. But, in thinking about it, I think I can at least tangentially relate it to food. So here goes:
This post will be tangentially about food, but it is mostly about snow. If you looked closely at the lobster pretzel packaging (and holy christ, how the hell did I miss that the lobster pretzel has âlobster powder,â âlobster extract,â and âlobster pasteâ listed as separate ingredients?!? I promise had I seen that it would not have gone without commentary), you might have noticed that I actually purchased and evaluated the lobster pretzel on January 23rd, but I didnât manage to properly post about on it until today, March 1. The reason for this delay? Well, the next day, January 24, gave us a small snowstorm that marked the start of an 18-day period in which Boston set an all-time city record by receiving over 70 inches of snow. And unlike other high snow-total seasons, these 70 inches accumulated relentlessly, with basically no melting in between. For example, this is my parking lot, from which tons of snow had already been removed:
If you are friends with me on Facebook (and havenât blocked me yet), you will know that this was one of the most distressing and distracting things I have ever experienced in my life (up until the dress happened, of course). I know, first world problems, but hear me out. I love snow, I think it is so great and magical and I get so excited when it is going to snow, but I think there is a strong possibility I will never feel that way about snow again. As Lorelai Gilmore so eloquently put it: âSnow and me. Weâre through!â
Most of my angst was transportation related – the specific line I take to work basically got a big fat middle finger from the MBTA, as we were the only ones (outside of the poor unfortunate souls who take the commuter rail) that werenât offered a replacement shuttle service for several days. That led to me waking up three hours earlier than usual to hitch a ride with my wife to work. She, after driving 30 min into the city in the gridlocked traffic (normal rush hour plus everyone else, on roads that were all narrowed by at least one lane), would then have to backtrack, and then work her way about 45 minutes north. The guilt is still strong on that one.
But the incident that nearly made me snap was actually food-related. On one particular Friday night, Friday the 13th to be exact, my wife was not going to be home until after 11PM because the class she teaches had so many snow-related cancellations she was doing makeup labs. On a Friday night. The next day was Valentineâs Day, and we had dinner plans. But groceries gotta get got, and shopping could not be pushed to Sunday because (1) only certifiably insane people set foot in Wegmans on a Sunday and (2) like sands through the hourglass, so were the snows of our February (another blizzard was forecast for Sunday morning). This is what Sunday morning looked like:
20-something-year-old me might cringe at the thought of me spending a perfectly good Friday night at the grocery store, but 30-something me actually usually really enjoys it. Few people, no lines. Better than going out, better than shopping on any other day. And lately, I have discovered that the Wegmans hot bar on Friday has a SEAFOOD station with herb-crusted salmon AND popcorn shrimp, $8.99 a pound! Cooked salmon barely weighs anything! I shouldnât even be telling you this, youâre probably going to take it all. I think this is possibly Lent-related, and so we will now be grocery shopping exclusively on Friday nights until at least Easter. It could be a Friday-only thing, or it could be an everyday thing, but I wonât be testing it for FOMOOJF (Fear Of Missing Out On Jesus Fish).
So that Friday night I snagged a Zipcar and headed out to Wegmans to get the weekly groceries, as well as some special ingredients for my new tradition I call Blizzard Cooking, where I pick a new labor-intensive thing to make while snowed in, in order to distract myself from the fact that everyone else is eating French toast (too many carbs):
Martha Stewartâs Fresh Ricotta (double the lemon juice)
So anyways, I was in the dairy aisle, picking out organic whole milk and heavy cream for my homemade fresh ricotta, when it happened. The fire alarm went off.
At first everyone just kept on shopping like nothing was happening. If you ever learn that Iâve died in a massive grocery store inferno, donât be surprised. Just know I was probably happily selecting locally-sourced ingredients for a low-carb corned beef hash and it was totally worth it.
About two minutes later a manager comes through, saying âcome on guyyyys, we gotta evacuaaaateâ with the same reluctant tone of the RA from your freshman dorm, you know that guy: âCome on guyyyys, I know Iâm the coolest friendless sophomore you know but you know you canât smoke pot with the dooooor open or I have to write you uuuuup. I know Iâm cooool but there are rules guyyyyys.â
So I pushed my cart to the front of the store, left it there and walked out. We huddled in the little airlock entryway thing for a few seconds, until âCome on guuuys. You know you canât stand heeeeere.â So we went out to the parking lot in the FREEZING FUCKING COLD to wait, and I tried to get the scoop on what was happening by eavesdropping on the employee chitchat, picking up fun tidbits like âRemember last time this happened? It was TWO HOURS before they let us back in!â
Well! I almost cried. Now, it was interesting that my wife was not there because she is the type of person who would immediately just be like âFuck it. Weâre leaving.â but I had corned beef and custom-sliced cold cuts in that cart, and I had paid for a Zipcar, and I WAS NOT GOING HOME EMPTY-HANDED. It actually didnât take two hours, probably more like 20 minutes, but that was long enough for dozens of people to abandon their carts and take off:
Later on, when I was checking out, the SAME WOMAN who made the two hour comment was complaining about the mountain of go-backs, saying âpeople just donât realize that people actually work here and have to deal with that mess.â Bitch, I think they do realize that people work here and are paid to deal with that mess. I think they also heard a person who works here say it might be two hours before they get let back in, and I think that maybe next time you should keep your fucking mouth shut and also not complain to me about go-backs which are part of your NORMAL DAILY JOB DESCRIPTION. But I didnât say that! I just said âYeah, I hope you donât have to stay too much later, I guessâ as my wife was dropping one of her students off at home because the makeup lab ended after his last train.
So yeah, February really sucked, but I ate some good food! And despite all that good food, with all the shoveling and the forced walking, I lost five pounds! And now itâs March! The T is sort of running again! And the snow that hasnât been trucked away has not really melted yet, but it has shrunk a little bit! Sure theyâre now nasty black ice mounds, but driving through the city is now like living in the answer key to the Snowpile or Car? game.
And now itâs snowing again! But Iâm halfway happy about this snow. We are 5.6 inches away from the all-time snowiest winter in Boston ever, and I am now of the mindset that we HAVE to get those final 5.6 inches or none of this will have been worth it. I am not crazy, I JUST HAVE A WINNERâS MENTALITY (she shouted at her wife on a weekly basis).
This month also taught me that while I donât like losing access to work, I actually donât mind shoveling that much! Itâs a good, different workout and a chance to methodically tackle a challenge and get lost in your thoughts and mentally re-work the lyrics to Rick Ross songs. Widowmaker icicles can kiss my ass, giant snowbanks can suck it, and the salt on my car that totally destroyed my USC Alumni license plate frame can eat a dick, but I am happy to report that shoveling and I are still sort of ok, despite the extra strain this winter has placed on our relationship.
Who the fuck you think you snowinâ on, Iâm the fuckinâ boss
Since 1/25, white on white itâs like Hoth
I shovel wide, I shovel long, I shovel fat
Snow keeps on cominâ back, snow keeps on cominâ back
The Charles has icebergs forming, like the North Atlantic
We got them clipper systems flyinâ toward the Atlantic
Got work tomorrow, canât shovel later
The guy parked next to me, he owe me a hundred favors
I ainât petty neighbor, Iâll clear the whole thang
See most of my building shovels but he donât do a thang
My roof rake, my winter tires
Iâm on the shovel, show you what the news is like
When Harvey comes on I cry for a hundred nights
I got a trillion snowflakes, piled in a hundred piles
Snowpiles conceal cars, walkingâs still hard
Slipping real hard slipping slipping real hard
Snowpile or car? Snowpile or car?
Slipping real hard, slipping slipping real hard
This ainât no funny shit still ruining business
Iâve got ice-walking down still slippinâ on bridges
MBTA be lagginâ and now Iâm shiverinâ
Old Charlie Baker just bitchinâ cuz he wonât spend shit
Weâre hiring inmates to shovel out Red Line switches
They trucking snow to Billerica to be specific
Now thereâs no T you know itâs bad weâre frozen sacks
So get your Sno Cat, run and clear the tracks
Moâ plows, moâ clothes, moâ froze, moâ snows
Side street driving thrills, slushy spinninâ wheels
It ainât snowed two days them bitches skiddinâ still
Stuck on my street cuz these suckers scared to plow down my street
T ainât running round me, ainât no traction round me
Pedestrians walkinâ âround me, see all this gridlock ’round me
Lot of box blocking round me goinâ down in Suffolk County
My speed is twenty-two, shovel cost me twenty-two
Saturday dropped twenty-two, last Tuesday twenty-two
Pete Bouchardâs latest map, 18 to 22
I see more twenty-twos, Iâm out on flight two twenty-two
Iâll ditch work for the Carribean first
Ainât got no snowblower, so my backâs starting to hurt
The forecast still says BIG SNOW them roof guys rich off BIG SNOW
Steady slanginâ BIG SNOW, arm muscles banginâ big snow.
Sorry about that. As I said previously, I canât do the first line without writing the whole song. I had to put it on the internet somewhere, and this is where it is going to go.
Do not buy this weird brown Norwegian Cheese. It does not taste like cheese.
The Ez Factor:
Ezra cannot get enough of this stuff. He and Danjumbo spent about an hour knawing on it. If you think this is any indication that I might be mistaken, that this cheese maybe might be a good thing to put in your mouth and chew and swallow you are WRONG and the jokeâs on you because they also eat CAT FOOD and Danjumbo doesnât even like cheese.
/https://www.thedailymeal.com/sites/default/files/story/2017/RAW_pop-tart.jpg)
Do not buy this weird brown Norwegian Cheese. It does not taste like cheese.