If you, like me, are perfectly fine with regular mayo but hate the overly sweet, pungent, sickening disgustingness that is Miracle Whip, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT purchase Trader Joe’s mayo or any Trader Joe’s wrap/sandwich that lists mayo as an ingredient because regardless of what else is in it, it will taste like a Miracle Whip sandwich.
I just ate the best potato chips I have ever tasted and I need to share.
So, rewind, those of you who read this blog who are related to me, aka those of you who read this blog, might know that for the past six years I have lived in a 100-year-old dumpy apartment in a vermin- and college student-infested neighborhood, and we just recently moved to a froufy house in a froufy suburb. Let’s play a tale of two kitchens. I just went from this white-walled nightmare:
…replete with floor tiles barely nice enough for an Ocean State Job Lot:
…to this magical kitchen dream land:
I still can’t even handle it.
And with this froufy house in a froufy neighborhood comes, among other things, froufy grocery stores. For example, our new Whole Foods is magical, the hot bar is three times the size of the one in Brighton and I estimate we have spent approximately $500 on it in about one month. But the most surprising frouf of them all is the froufiest liquor store I have ever been to: Marty’s. Now there is a Marty’s in Allston but that Marty’s is not this Marty’s. That Marty’s is just a dark warehouse that I do adore for carrying our favorite London No. 3 gin, but that is about it. This Marty’s (while it upsettingly does NOT carry London No. 3) is the most amazing store I have ever been to. Not only does this Marty’s have like seven varieties of Ballast Point beer, but this Marty’s also has a deli counter and a grocery/frozen section that is the most amazing selection of delicious imported and local shit. Dial this back and reprocess it: the giant liquor store HAS A DELI COUNTER that make SANDWICHES and every kind of delicious imported/local shit. They have Sweet Sloops. They have twelve different curry powders. They have those metallic tubes of garlic/pesto/anchovy/tomato pastes. They have maple sugar candy. They have Mexican chocolate. They have spicy sushi mayo. But most importantly, they have Torres Select Black Truffle Chips and Torres Select Black Truffle Chips, I learned today, are the most delicious potato chips I have ever eaten in my entire life.
Holy crap, these things are so good. Let’s investigate more, shall we? Oh, I see they are made in SPAIN. Shocking.
Also, check those ingredients. Truffle oil? Psh, truffle oil is for peasants and Frito-Lay. No, they have full on DEHYDRATED BLACK TRUFFLES because they are not fucking around. Look at these flecks:
That’s truffle baby. Guys, this is nuts. These things are like $3 for a single serve bag but it is so totally worth it. $3 for a bag of potato chips. They will change your life.
This year we have four very intriguing candidates with fun, hip regional monikers we’re sure to get behind with local pride. I will review in the order tasted.
…my wife found me all of these in mini-bags because she is the best
Southern Biscuits and Gravy:
Welp, good on you Lays, these taste like biscuits and gravy, and by that I mean they taste like bacon fat and black pepper, and by that I mean they taste like magic. Where Chicken and Waffles swung for the fences and whiffed, Biscuits and Gravy slices down the line and gets all caught up in the bullpen chairs for a triple, maybe even an inside-the-park home run.
God, I love gyros. They are the best goddamn sandwich in the world and I really don’t eat enough of them. These chips tasted deliciously like gyros, and while yes, they were delicious… at the end of the day to be honest they just made me really want a gyro. Also what sliver of the American landscape is being referenced by “Greektown?” Anyways these are not bad chips, eat them if you want to (but not with a Gyro because that would be redundant).
New York Reuben:
How do they do this? It tastes like pastrami and thousand island dressing all at once. I guess if I had to dig deep for a criticism, FINE, I couldn’t really make out any rye. But who gives a shit? These chips have given me so many Violet Beauregard moments I can’t even handle it. These are also not bad chips, and you know what – hey, go crazy, eat them with a Reuben, I DARE YOU.
West Coast Truffle Fries:
These things are such a disappointment. THEY DO NOT TASTE LIKE TRUFFLE. THERE IS NOT EVEN A HINT OF TRUFFLE.* TRUFFLE IS SERIOUSLY THE EASIEST FLAVOR TO OVERDO HOW COULD YOU CONCEIVABLY UNDERDO IT? YOU MADE A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE A GYRO AND A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE A REUBEN SANDWICH AND A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE BISCUITS AND FUCKING GRAVY AND YOU CAN’T GET YOUR HANDS ON THAT MAGICALLY UBIQUITOUS ARTIFICIAL TRUFFLE OIL THAT IS OVERUSED IN FUCKING EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE?
These fucking pieces of shit taste like sour cream and onion chips, and you know what that means…they are going to win.
BUT NO. WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET THEM. I CALL ON ALL OF YOU, RIGHT NOW, TO GO TO THIS DUMB WEBSITE AND VOTE FOR ANYTHING BUT THE TRUFFLE CHIPS. BUT WAIT NO DON’T DO THAT ACTUALLY. If you vote for anything but truffle there is going to be an even spread of votes for everything and then Donald Trump is probably going to win. Yeah yeah, so unlikely to happen just like when Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger was running in a gubernatorial recall election and now his fucking signature is on my goddamn PhD diploma. So yeah, we must get behind a single candidate, and that candidate is Biscuits and Gravy. I hereby decree. Vote early and vote often. Keep faux non-truffle (which is exponentially more offensive than faux truffle) off our shelves and out of our childrens’ hands.
*Edit for fairness, if you shove like 10 of these in your mouth at one time there is a tiny hint of truffle