…and so am I!
This year we have four very intriguing candidates with fun, hip regional monikers we’re sure to get behind with local pride. I will review in the order tasted.
…my wife found me all of these in mini-bags because she is the best
Southern Biscuits and Gravy:
Welp, good on you Lays, these taste like biscuits and gravy, and by that I mean they taste like bacon fat and black pepper, and by that I mean they taste like magic. Where Chicken and Waffles swung for the fences and whiffed, Biscuits and Gravy slices down the line and gets all caught up in the bullpen chairs for a triple, maybe even an inside-the-park home run.
Greektown Gyro:
God, I love gyros. They are the best goddamn sandwich in the world and I really don’t eat enough of them. These chips tasted deliciously like gyros, and while yes, they were delicious… at the end of the day to be honest they just made me really want a gyro. Also what sliver of the American landscape is being referenced by “Greektown?” Anyways these are not bad chips, eat them if you want to (but not with a Gyro because that would be redundant).
New York Reuben:
How do they do this? It tastes like pastrami and thousand island dressing all at once. I guess if I had to dig deep for a criticism, FINE, I couldn’t really make out any rye. But who gives a shit? These chips have given me so many Violet Beauregard moments I can’t even handle it. These are also not bad chips, and you know what – hey, go crazy, eat them with a Reuben, I DARE YOU.
West Coast Truffle Fries:
These things are such a disappointment. THEY DO NOT TASTE LIKE TRUFFLE. THERE IS NOT EVEN A HINT OF TRUFFLE.* TRUFFLE IS SERIOUSLY THE EASIEST FLAVOR TO OVERDO HOW COULD YOU CONCEIVABLY UNDERDO IT? YOU MADE A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE A GYRO AND A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE A REUBEN SANDWICH AND A CHIP THAT TASTED LIKE BISCUITS AND FUCKING GRAVY AND YOU CAN’T GET YOUR HANDS ON THAT MAGICALLY UBIQUITOUS ARTIFICIAL TRUFFLE OIL THAT IS OVERUSED IN FUCKING EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE?
These fucking pieces of shit taste like sour cream and onion chips, and you know what that means…they are going to win.
BUT NO. WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET THEM. I CALL ON ALL OF YOU, RIGHT NOW, TO GO TO THIS DUMB WEBSITE AND VOTE FOR ANYTHING BUT THE TRUFFLE CHIPS. BUT WAIT NO DON’T DO THAT ACTUALLY. If you vote for anything but truffle there is going to be an even spread of votes for everything and then Donald Trump is probably going to win. Yeah yeah, so unlikely to happen just like when Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger was running in a gubernatorial recall election and now his fucking signature is on my goddamn PhD diploma. So yeah, we must get behind a single candidate, and that candidate is Biscuits and Gravy. I hereby decree. Vote early and vote often. Keep faux non-truffle (which is exponentially more offensive than faux truffle) off our shelves and out of our childrens’ hands.
*Edit for fairness, if you shove like 10 of these in your mouth at one time there is a tiny hint of truffle