Manhandled by nerds AGAIN, so time to rant. Let’s talk about trees.
No not those trees that haunt my nightmares.
These trees:
Everyone is freaking out about the fact that Reese’s factory-produced mounds of chocolate-coated peanut butter/sugar paste are not sufficiently tree-like down to the hairline detail.
Here is what I have to say to these people:
For real. Take it from me, I am a connoisseur of all things seasonal Reese’s:
THE REESE’S TREES HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE TREES.
THE REESE’S HEARTS HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE HEARTS.
THE REESE’S PUMPKINS HAVE NEVER LOOKED LIKE PUMPKINS.
THE REESE’S EGGS BARELY EVEN RESEMBLE EGGS, AND EGGS ARE JUST A SIMPLE ELLIPSE WITH Y = e^(0.2X)
#1 Why is this such a big deal this year? Do we really have nothing else to worry about than the shape of Reese’s peanut butter trees? (Hint: we have much more to worry about than the shape of Reese’s peanut butter trees).
#2 Does literally everyone complaining not realize that the little cutouts they are pining for a) Increase the surface area and in as a result the chocolate-to-peanut-butter ratio, and increasing the chocolate-to-peanut-butter ratio in seasonal Reese’s is a bad thing, and b) aren’t actually present on a real life tree and actually are a figment of our 6-year-old crayon drawing imaginations much like smiling suns and stick people?
#3 And you know what else, haters, why don’t you all take a jar of peanut butter and some melted chocolate and try to fashion a tree to your illusory specifications, and then get back to us.
And yes, I know I was supposed to do a post where I measured the peanut butter to chocolate ratio in pumpkins and then trees and then hearts and I BLEW IT and have to wait a year. Sorry. But it’s a good sign that I didn’t buy any peanut butter pumpkins this year, so let’s just celebrate that and continue to focus our efforts on not eating holiday carbs.