J: 3 stars / L: 3 stars
Note: It has come to our attention that SOMETHING does happen in the final 2 minutes of “That Damn Donna Reed:” CHRISTOPHER arrives. Or returns. If you stayed awake long enough to notice, congratulations. (There is also an easter egg Taylor Doose “build a wall” moment.) For reference, here is J‘s reaction to Rory riding off into the sunset on Christopher’s motorcycle:
“Douchenozzle. Hop off!”
Which brings us to Episode 15, “Christopher Returns.” This episode is difficult to review impartially. This is our first introduction to the manchild boydouche that is Christopher Hayden (at least we think so – we won’t be 100% sure of this until we wrap back around to the first 12 episodes). Can we be trusted to judge him based on his first impressions in this episode alone? YES, I think we can.
Case in point #1: Christopher’s unabashed, middle fingers in the air, I-was-warned-by-my-daughter-but-chose-to-smirk-and-ignore-her use of a cell phone in Luke’s is straight SAVAGE. From the moment we meet him, there is nothing to think but “fuck this guy.” Fuck this guy.
Case in point #2: This is not crystal clear but it seems he has somehow convinced his parents that he didn’t go to Princeton because he was having some sort of sympathy-teen-pregnancy as a result of impregnating Lorelai despite the fact that this episode has soundly established that he had absolutely nothing to do with Rory’s life ever, financially, emotionally etc. I mean, what the hell? You got your gf pregnant and she wants nothing to do with you, no child support, no nothing except unlimited love and access to your daughter – you got off scot free. Go to Princeton, you spoiled little shit.
2 minutes later:
L: Wait, is this all Lorelai’s fault? Richard just said Christopher was willing to marry her but she wouldn’t. Did he not go to college because she messed him up in the head?
J: No. He was just listening to what his parents wanted him to do. I don’t think he really wanted to get married. And even if they got married, they would have gotten divorced.
L: But why didn’t he go to Princeton?
J: Because he’s a stupid fucking idiot.
Case in point #3: Delicate subtleties of cellphone usage and teen parenting aside, I am pretty sure that dating back to 2005 we hated Christopher from the moment he had sex with Lorelai on that balcony, and there was no turning back. Christophers (and Lorelais) of the world, don’t do that. Don’t have impulsive sex on a balcony while your parents and daughter are waiting downstairs. It is not edgy, or cool, or hot. It is gross, and creepy, and perverse. Show some respect for yourself and your freaking kid and wait an hour or two and go somewhere else. Seriously, go anywhere else and have sex at any other time. Straight people.
J: Doesn’t she also stand up Luke while she’s banging Christopher?
L: She does? She does!!!
J: They had a paint date.
L: Worst person ever. Seriously what is wrong with her? She and Christopher deserve each other
Case in point #4: God, this guy.
J: Did you just hear him? “I wanna mawwy youuuu.”
L: “Rowry might be my only chiwld”
J: ::rolls eyes::
- This episode is where we get uber important backstory about Al’s Pancake World that might fall through the cracks on the first half dozen or so viewings.
- Softball Heckler Kirk is a top 10 all-time Kirk
- The closed captioning says “Strobe Hayden” is actually “Straub Hayden” which I GUESS makes more sense, but is still grossly WASPy
- We suppose it was nice that Lorelai broke into Luke’s diner and painted it for him in the end?